Just another stepping stone.

I have been using an ovulation predictor per Dr. H since...where is that sheet...ahhh there it is, since January 26. All I knew is that I needed to just do it. And I am supposed to test everyday at noon until we start the progesterone. Its really funny cause the test shows either a circle (negative ovulation) or a smiley face (positive ovulation).

I have been so diligent in taking the test everyday (although I will admit I missed one day when I first started testing). So yesterday at work when noon came, I didn't need to pee. Which is funny cause I can practically go 1 & 2 on command. So I grabbed a water from the fridge, and made a mental note to remember to try again in an hour....

Fast forward to close and I am getting ready to walk out the door. And I remember, 'crap' I think to myself 'I almost forgot, its WAY past noon, but I should probably take it anyways, I grab the stick and run to the bathroom. 3-5 minutes later I am watching and waiting for that little circle to make its appearance, as it has the last 9-10 times.

I see a little smiley face peering up at me. Shock and laughing I turn to my friend, Chantell and yell, "yay! I'm ovulating!!" "What does that mean? Is it good or bad?" she says. "I don't know! But I'm ovulating!" I shout.

I head home and think maybe I should call the doctors office and let them know, but then I'll be there in less than 24 hours for another internal ultrasound, and I'll just let them know then.

Next morning I head up there, I'm led back to get my blood work done and I tell the nurse that I tested positive for ovulation the night before. She said okay with a smile. After my blood is drawn...vampires. I am led into the special room to be violated err, lol, for the ultrasound, I sit on the cold table, with a 1ply paper sheet over my lap, and in walks Dr. H.

Greetings are exchanged, etc etc. He heads for the ultrasound machine and I ask if the nurse mentioned to him that I tested positive for ovulation, obviously not trusting the smiling nurse's ability to relay a message, and he gets a concerned look. He asks me if I used the brand they recommended, I told him that indeed, I was using Clear Blue Easy, the digital kind, and got a smiley face.

He then tells me that the ovulation might interfere with the transfer. My heart drops. 'NOOOOOOOO!' I yell inside my head. He says that if there is a corpus luteum, an egg follicle that has expelled an egg, that will confirm the ovulation tests.

SUCK SUCK SUCK!

So he gets in there and the images pull up. Right Ovary is looking quite. 'Left Ovary...whoa baby. There is a large 18mm (I believe) follicle that has yet to expel any egg hanging out on my ovary. Geez Louise! And oh look, he's got a 13.5mm buddy right there next to him.

Yep, I'm ovulating. Dr. H comments that  'the uterine lining looks perfect, had you not been ovulating this is were we would want your lining to be at.' DAMAGE!

I tell Dr. H that I did forget to take a set of morning pills early on and then a couple of days later I forgot to take a set of night pills. Could forgetting those two times have caused me to ovulate. 'No.' He says. 'You are the type of woman that if you were on the pill, you would still get pregnant. You have strong ovaries. If there were any sperm you would have been pregnant by now, birth control or not. ' Apparently the estrogen pills I am taking were supposed to stop me from ovulating.

'Oh great!' I exclaim. "I'm a fertile-myrtle and didn't even know it." Guess I have been drinking from the right watering hole. Lol



Option 1
So he gives me two options. We can either closely monitor the rest of my cycle.  Which means I would have to drive up to Sandy 1-2 times a day for blood work and monitor the ovulation and the lining through ultrasound. And then hope we can get the embryos thawed and grown out in time before the lining is shed with my next period. He kept mentioning that the ultrasounds were $300 dollars a piece (which I shouldn't have to pay for since any test/monitoring that needs to be done during treatment should be covered by the cost of our treatment.) I am a little irritated by this comment from Dr. H., but I don't say anything.

OR

Option 2
We can just allow the period to start, then I will start the birth control again, then I will take take a shot, Lupron, that will stop my ovulation until.....I don't even know, but basically means that we would be starting all over.

So I am laying on the table thinking "Great, just great. All this work for nothing." Dr. H seems to think the latter option is the route we should go. Alright, you know best. I guess that means that I can work on losing a bit more weight and exercising more since it will be a couple of months until we can get back to where we are at now, less than a week from transfer. I am told that they will let me know by Monday what the plan will be. Cause Dr. H needs to talk to the lab and see if option 1 is even possible.

2-3 more months of waiting...ughh. I can wait if the Lord deams it so...

I leave, and start driving home. I tell Heavenly Father that it is in His hands. Whatever happens is what is going to happen. There isn't anything, I can do about it. So if we have to wait we have to wait.

I refrain from listening to any music on the way home as I am just trying to control the way I react to what has just happened. I just recently discovered that I am a think-skinned person (vs. being thick skinned), I react to everything, and I need to think before I react. Its a work in progress. But hey.

I need to talk to someone, I contemplate my mother-in-love, my bestie, Jared. I probably should talk to Jared first, but I can't do it over the phone, so I head to Macey's to break the news. Then I swing by Lastonie's house, tell her, and make her baby cry, on accident I promise he was laughing two seconds before ;)

Then I head home to change for my neice's baptism. Afterwards I head to work. Keeping the phone in my hand, I head in, you never know when those nurses at RCC are gonna make a phone call, and my phone only rings twice before it goes to voicemail. So I need to make sure I hear it when it rings.


I break the devastating (I was just starting to now get excited too), not so devastating news, to my friends at work.

I was feeling so great and strong and faithful before while I was alone, but now I start getting frustrated/irritated. Mostly about Dr. H making a big deal about the ultrasounds I think. OH well whatever

SO then I get a call from Heather at RCC, and she says that Dr. H says we can either proceed forward with the natural cycle (option 1) or the lupron cycle (option 2). If we proceed with option 1 I would start monitoring tomorrow (Sunday). I ask if I can talk to Jared first, and then she suggests we set up the appointment and then if we decided to go with option 2 to call back and cancel tomorrow's appoint.

So I called Jared, and we decided to go with option 1. So tomorrow at 9:30 MST I will be at the doctor's office for monitoring. Hopefully everything will work out as smoothly as it would have had I not been ovulating.

Which means that at ANY point they could do the transfer as soon as Monday-Tuesday-Wednesday. So are asking everybody to pray for us, and since tomorrow is Fast Sunday, if any of you are fasting to include us. I'm praying that we can get the timing right.

We have been so blessed by everyone's prayers and support through this whole ordeal. Thank you, we love you. And your prayers have been felt!

I'll keep everybody posted on how things will be proceeding through facebook, and if its too long, through blog post updates.

We <3 you all.

Trying to feel motivated.

Today....I am tired.

I am tired cause I worked my tail off at ripped, err pump, last night with Lastonie (bestie).

It was amazing to see how quickly ones' body can digress from running 2-3 miles 3 times a week, and then two inactive months later be so out of shape again.

In my head, while I was jumping up on my step, doing around the world, or the t-step, I remember thinking, besides the fact that I might hurl (good thing I have a piece of mint gum in my mouth or it would be all over the floor), is that I remember being stronger than this.

My mind remembers how far my body can go, how far I can push myself, what limits it can pass, but my body just can't keep up.

It was a odd realization.

Now today, I feel as though I have been run over by a car. I need to do laundry, or clean the front room but I have no energy.

Funny this is is that tonight I'm going to subject myself to more torture.

Torture in the form of old ladies salsa-ing, and shakin' their boo-tays. Otherwise known as Zumba.

I can shake it. Don't get me wrong. I can.

But I don't like to "shake it" anymore, as there is a little too much to shake.

Lol.

But I need the exercise and Lastonie needs a workout partner. And as I am a person that is up for anything others want to do, I am willing to tag along for a good time.

No one says I have to like it though....right?

Tutorial Rundown

This is more for myself than anything else :)

Sites:
Scrap Orchard Tutorials
Sweet Shoppe Design Tutorials
Digi Scrapping Tutorials
Digi Scrapbook University
Hummies World
ScrapGirls
The Coffee Shop
Aida Scrap
DigiScrap Addicts
Scrappers Guide
PShero
Scrap2Nspire
Chelles-Creation

Video Tutorials:
Scraping with Liz
PhotoShop Courses


Specific Tutorials:

Shadowing:
Shadowing Word Art

Extraction:
Extracting from an Image

Tex:
Text on a Path
Typography-- All you need to know
Font creation

Journaling Helps:
Variety in Journaling

Realistic page additions:
Paint Smear

Misc Neeed to Know in Digiscrap-booking:
White Space
Visual Triangles

Proven.

One good thing about the type of infertility we have is that I have never had to be on birth control. If any of you have ever been curious about Jared's condition (I've been reluctant to come clean about the exact reason for our infertility as it is sensitive subject for Jared, but I know people are probably curious, I know always am.) you can find out more about it here (he also has anosmia, which is kinda cool).

I knew about it before we were married. He actually told me about it quite early on, probably about 1 month into our courtship, maybe even less.

Anyways..

On Sunday, January 15,  was the last day of my adult life that I will have to take birth control. That means that I was on birth control for a whopping, 30 days.

I can honestly say the only noticeable change I experienced while on it was the first two days of taking it. I almost cried at work over something that I would have never cried over.

Lol good times.


DISCLAIMER:  INCOMING TMI (I have no shame, and apparently you don't either if you continue reading, Lol.) 


Skip to next bolded text to bypass the TMI

I started my period almost immediately after stopping the birth control.

On Thursday, Jan 19, I had to go in for a Estrogen blood test, as well as a internal (think almost pap smear, ewwww..while being on your period, double ewwww) ultrasound to check the thickness of lining (blood lining that is). It was around 8.5mm and Dr. H wasn't too happy, cause apparently thats too thick. He said the best would be to have it right around 5.5mm. Apparently if your lining is too thick it makes it hard for Embryos to implant into the uterine wall.

Who knew baby making was so difficult right?

Then for good measure he checked my ovaries, why not, were in there right why not prolong the fun of the most vulnerable position I am in...lets make it a party! No worries, I forgot to bring the bean dip.

So he checks my right ovary, looks great, has tons of little follicles (eggs, potential children) that will never produce a genetic child of my own (sore subject). What a waste is all I can think, and I make that observation to Dr. H and his nurse. He then proceeds to explain Jared's rare condition to the nurse, cause she has no idea why were are even there.

Ahhhh what it would be like to be ignorant of infertility...

/Redirecting back after day dreaming....Don't get me wrong, I do. not. blame anyone for the situation we are in, cause there really isn't anyone too blame (unless you count the odds, then in that cause I guess I do have someone to blame; I blame you odds!).

I don't blame Jared, nor do I blame myself. I just find it hard to think that everything my ancestors fought for to allow there children to have children and so on and so forth, in essence the preservation of the genetic line (if you want to think about it that way) will end with Jared and I.

Jared's genetic line will die, and so will mine.

Its hard. Some people may think its silly, but they don't know what its like to be in our situation with our circumstances. This is just how I feel about it, and it. makes. me. sad.

So right ovary looks great, on to the left ovary...what is that big black thing on the screen...oh yeah that's just a 1 1/2 inch cyst. Nice.

Dr H looks, not puzzled, but suspicious, and then mentions that this might be the reason my lining is so thick.

He tells me that if this cyst is what's called "a function cyst" that it could be causing my left ovary to be producing more Estrogen than its supposed to, thus causing my lining to be thickened. We may have to push back our transfer date. He gives me three scenarios of how this could play out.

Oh great, is this that brick wall we've been waiting for? No, no, I tell myself. Just give it a chance to play out, don't jump to conclusions, there's no point in worrying about anything at this point, just relax.

Dr. H concludes by saying that we won't really know anything until we get my Estrogen blood tests back later that night. So hang tight til then.

Later that night I get a call from one of the nurses.

The conversation went something like this...."Hi Mascara Smear..(Names may or may not be made up), its Cheryl from Dr. Hatasaka's office. I am just calling to let you know that your estrogen blood work came back and its on the low end, which is were Dr. Hatasaka wanted it at."

Mascara Smear.. "Sweet, so were do we go from here?"

Cheryl: "Well Dr. Hatasaka would like you to come in again tomorrow to have your lining checked again" (I'm groaning inside at this point)

Mascara Smear.."Alright. Sounds great." (Not really)

So I go in the next day to be tortured again. On my back, feet up in stirrups, with an almost see-through paper sheet covering the naked lower half of my body while this internal (again think pap smear) ultrasound is going on, and two people I don't know, I would call them acquaintances, hang out down there... 

"Good news" says Dr. H.

Apparently I have shed off 4mm of blood lining my uterus in the course of the last 24 hours. Nice. Way to go body, you're the bomb-dot-com!

Dr. H is pleased with these results and says we can go ahead and proceed with the medication calender and transfer date.

So that means I get dressed, and head home.

(WOW LOTS OF TMI; shut up Jess.) TMI Ended :)

While heading home, I think back to the day before, and how this potential bump played out and then I realized Heavenly Father is proving to me that this is what we are supposed to be doing, by the sheer fact that everything is flowing so smoothly. He is in control of what is going on, He is helping things to fall into place.

He is proving to me, more and more, that his work is going forth.

And day by day and week by week, my faith in Him is growing, that He knows what he is doing. D&C 88:73 "Behold, I will ^ahasten my work in its time."

I have a greater witness of God the Father, and his hand in our lives. I know this is true.

He has proven true to his word.






~As I finished typing this blog post out I thought of two scriptures (that I needed to include for some reason, don't ask me, I just know I needed to) that always come to my mind when I am having trouble staying faithful. I found much comfort and increased strength  in both of them.

D&C 6:23 "Did I not speak ^apeace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater ^bwitness can you have than from God?"

Ether 12:6 "And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that ^afaith is things which are ^bhoped for and ^cnot seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no ^dwitness until after the ^etrial of your faith."

Brick Walls & Blue Skies

Today we made our way up to Sandy to pay for our fertility treatment. Today was the day the money was due. All 7,200 dollars of it.

Part of it we had already paid.

Today we paid the rest.

Now we proceed through with the calender we have set up.

For Jared, now that the money has been paid, it has gone from an obscure idea to reality. Reality that we are indeed going to be parents.

For me, I am still apprehensive to become excited. I don't think that the excitement will hit me for another few weeks when they thaw the embryos (Feb 8), and then two days later (Feb 10) when they do the embryo transfer.

I have been going through and writing down on a calender, appt, days when I stop one medication, days when I start new medications, days when I get my blood draw to check for correct hormone levels, days when I will have ultrasounds to check uterine lining.

It's so much, that I think, or rather I know that I've given myself a right ole tension headache behind my left eye.

I didn't think we would make it today with the money. I thought that our transfer date would have to be pushed back. But as things unfolded today at the clinic, the pieces fell right into place. "No brick walls" as we call it here at Fort Gale. And I was anticipating a brick wall at some point. Last night started to look like a brick wall but it turned out to just be a un-charted dark alley way.

I want to be excited, don't get me wrong. But I am afraid if I get excited that that's when I'll see that brick wall approaching.

My whole life, I have constantly ran into brick walls. Not literally. Ha ha. But figuratively. Nothing in my life has ever been given to me. I have survived most of my life by the skin of my teeth. I am a fighter. I had to be.

At this point I am a little exhausted of fighting. I am glad to have a bit of blue sky for once, a bit of calm from the storm. I know it will not last long. I don't know when the wind will shift the clouds, but I anticipate it soon.

Funny that life and the weather are so symbolic of one another.

Things have flown so smoothly for us through this last year, in regards to the fertility stuff. I know that this is Heavenly Fathers doing. That all of this is part of His plan for us to become parents. I know that this is the right time, and we are in the right place to become parents. That is why we haven't hit any brick walls, and why we have had a patch of blue sky.

Its time.